StockFetcher Forums · General Discussion · JOKES<< 1 2 3 4 5 ... 26 >>Post Follow-up
6,371 posts
msg #48518
Ignore TheRumpledOne
12/10/2006 3:05:17 PM

Life is short... LAUGH!

Might as well have a thread just for jokes.

983 posts
msg #48567
12/12/2006 1:17:57 AM

Here's one of my favorites....


A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning.

The wife, a blonde, picked up the telephone, listened a moment and said, "How

should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up!

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman

wanting to know if the coast is clear."


Tell me, that's not funny.....


195 posts
msg #48569
Ignore traderblues
12/12/2006 7:19:13 AM

Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different."

"The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Arlene got pregnant."

"Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Arlene got pregnant again."

"Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Arlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Bob says, "This year I'm taking Arlene with me."

16 posts
msg #48570
Ignore peacock
12/12/2006 8:18:34 AM

A man is standing over a gravestone crying and saying, 'if only you'd lived, if only you'd lived.' The gravedigger, feeling some level of compassion asked, 'is this your wife?' The man replied, 'no, it's my wifes first husband.'

184 posts
msg #48571
Ignore as214
12/12/2006 8:44:07 AM

115 posts
msg #48576
Ignore tmaugham
12/12/2006 6:39:28 PM

Andy moved into a new apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. Andy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Andy broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, Andy finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

115 posts
msg #48578
Ignore tmaugham
12/12/2006 6:55:06 PM

Sam died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Sarah turned to her oldest and dearest friend. "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Sarah . "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Sarah answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the synagogue. The whisky, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"

"Two and a half carats."

16 posts
msg #48587
Ignore peacock
12/13/2006 1:31:32 PM

A man walks into a bar in Thibodau, Louisiana to have a drink. He sits next to a patron who introduces himself as Boudreau, Boudreau from Thibodaux.

They strike up a conversation and it becomes difficult for the man to believe that Boudreau knows all of the people he is talking about. The man challenges Boudreau to prove he knows all these people.

Boudreau asks the man to meet him at the bar next week at the same time and also to name someone he would like to meet. The man says that he would like to meet the Mayor of Thibodaux.

The next week they meet and sure enough Boudreau takes the man to meet the Honorable Mayor. The man tells Boudreau that this was an easy challenge and suggested something more difficult. Boudreau agrees and the man now wants to meet The President, George W. Bush. Boudreau sighs and tells the man to bring an overnight bag and meet him at Louie Armstong airport at the Delta ticket counter same time next week.

Sure enough they are both at the airport. They fly to Washington, DC to meet the President. When they get to the White House the guard tells them that an emergency meeting has been called and the President has asked not to be distrubed. The man says I new it, you don't know the Preisdent. Boud says wait a minute, I told you I'd introduce you to the President, didn't I? So they walk along the fence and Boud sees the President through a window. He starts to try to get the President's attention and finally he does. George has one of the Seceret Service Agents open the window and yells, "Hey Boudreau, come on around, I'll let you in, I'm sure Laura wants to say hi." So they go in.

On the flight back, the man says, "I can see how you might know The President, Louisiana snd Texas are right next to each other, how about a tougher challenge?" At this point Boudreau is getting a little annoyed but agrees to another challenge. The man wants to meet the POPE.

The next week they go to the Vatican and the square is filled with people. Boudreau tells the man, "wait here, after the fiasco with the guard at the White House, I want to prevent another confusing episode." So the man waits in the square with thousands of people who are waiting for the POPE to make an appearance. A few minutes pass and the crowd breaks into a roar. There is Boudreau standing next to the Holy Pontiff on a balcony. The man taps a kid on the shoulder and ask, "who is the man on the balcony?" The kid replies, "I'm not sure who the guy with hat is but the other one is Boudreau from Thibodaux."

19 posts
msg #48590
Ignore papawally
12/13/2006 3:50:01 PM

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle" he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Holiday Season Begins....

115 posts
msg #48616
Ignore tmaugham
12/14/2006 3:07:09 PM

Kentucky boys...

Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street, and they see a sign
on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each,
trousers $2.50 each.
Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole
gob of these, take'em back to Lexington, sell 'em to our friends, and
make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your
accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that
stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Ohio drawl so's they don't know
we is from Kentucky."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Ohio drawl, "I'll take
50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00
each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my
pickup and....."

"The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Kentucky, ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba.... "How come you knowed that?"

"Because this is a dry-cleaners."

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